My husband and I had a fight yesterday. Typically we avoid disagreements at all costs since the affair because things tend to escalate quickly and off-topic. However, this time we stayed on topic. I would say that’s a step forward that the affair wasn’t brought up in anger between us. I guess I should really say “brought up by me”. I’m trying to overcome my new mindset that he had an affair, therefore he has no other rights. That is not easy.
When we were in the car last weekend with the kids he and one of them were talking about trust and he actually said once trust is broken you have to earn it back. I could tell by the fact he stopped short that he was contradicting himself. He has long believed that I should just move on from this and automatically trust him despite him having an affair and lying every single day about some aspect of said affair. I wanted to punch him. I did. I wanted to look over at him and just laugh in his face and tell him he’s a piece of work. I didn’t of course. Healing. We are concentrating on healing.
And the man is having a difficult enough time dealing with his own indiscretions. His personal guilt has really been getting him down. In his own words, he lost the most important thing to him, his integrity and honor. I find it sad really. Well, as sad as someone in my position can feel about it. I want to say you knew her for 10 years and you knew exactly what she was. I mean, the office is small and I heard more gossip on her in those 10 years than anyone else. We all knew she slept around…all of us. He even had the names of those she slept with. We had talked about it many times. I want to ask him if joining that “club” was worth it. I also want to ask him what he thought when someone from another firm told us that it was common knowledge that she slept with clients.
I don’t ask though. As much as I want to ask, I never do. At least not now. We have many conversations about this. But, I avoid the ones that would make him seem like an idiot or “I told you so” ones. I do question why he would get involved with someone like her knowing the likely outcome, but as I said before, that was her job to market herself to people. I think he was sucked in by someone who knew the game well.
My own struggles are wishing I could wake up one day and not think about her, to not visit her blog, to not ask my cousin about her. But, sometimes I feel like a gravitational pull stronger than that of the moon is drawing me to her. And I go through phases. I can go days or weeks and control that, but then something breaks me and I give in. I’m not sure what to do about it.
There are so many things to overcome that I don’t know which thing to start with. But, I suppose I have already overcome a lot. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.