I struggle with this everyday. The exhorborant lies that he told while he was having the affair were borderline professional. And this is one area where she and me are in the same boat, with the same holes drilled in the bottom. He lied and lied well to both of us. The funny thing was, we exchanged screenshots of texts with each other where he was clearly lying, both to her and me, yet things continued for all of us. He would tell me she was crazy and panicked and who knows what he told her about me. The things she did tell me he said, I easily showed her texts where he was telling me the opposite. I have no idea what was going through this man’s mind.
So, if a liar tells you he loves you, is he lying? I don’t know the answer. I want to believe that he’s not lying, but to be honest I believed that many, many times. In fact, he had me absolutely convinced it was over when she called that day to inform me that it was not over. The man that I had known for 25 years did not lie. The man that was having an affair was proficient at lying. Yet, he claims that he loves me every day. His actions say that he loves me every day. And that was all true while he was having the affair. In fact, had I not found evidence of the affair I would have never known it was going on.
This leaves my head and my heart confused. It’s one of the things that prevents me from healing completely. It reminds me of those crime shows where everybody is shocked that someone they knew committed murder and they claim there is no way that they could have been capable of that. I look at him and I think there is no way that he could be capable of an affair. And, yet he was capable. Capable of having an affair and capable of lying about the affair to the nth degree.
She told me that she believed he would do it again. I realize that doesn’t mean much coming from her. He claims he learned a valuable lesson and would never do it again. The question is, does his statement mean anymore than her statement? And does the fact that I want it to mean something factor into the equation? The truth is, I’ve wanted every single thing he’s ever said to me to mean something. Maybe I’m still in the denial phase. Maybe I’m just living in denial.
He gets upset when I talk like this, so I don’t say it to him. He wants me to be fine. I know he’s trying really hard, but I still have days of feeling down and feeling very weak. But, I rarely let him see that. And, I don’t know why. I want to talk to him about how I feel. I do. I used to be able to talk to him about anything. Now, I have moments where I don’t want to talk to him about anything, but especially not this. Other times I want to talk to him about all of this. I’m just confused about where I am. One second I’m so good. Later I could feel really worn down.
I think I’m looking for something so elusive that I’m afraid I will never find again. Peace.