If a liar tells you he loves you, is he lying?

I struggle with this everyday.  The exhorborant lies that he told while he was having the affair were borderline professional.  And this is one area where she and me are in the same boat, with the same holes drilled in the bottom.  He lied and lied well to both of us.  The funny thing was, we exchanged screenshots of texts with each other where he was clearly lying, both to her and me, yet things continued for all of us.  He would tell me she was crazy and panicked and who knows what he told her about me.  The things she did tell me he said, I easily showed her texts where he was telling me the opposite.  I have no idea what was going through this man’s mind.

So, if a liar tells you he loves you, is he lying?  I don’t know the answer.  I want to believe that he’s not lying, but to be honest I believed that many, many times.  In fact, he had me absolutely convinced it was over when she called that day to inform me that it was not over.  The man that I had  known for 25 years did not lie.  The man that was having an affair was proficient at lying.  Yet, he claims that he loves me every day.  His actions say that he loves me every day.  And that was all true while he was having the affair.  In fact, had I not found evidence of the affair I would have never known it was going on.

This leaves my head and my heart confused.  It’s one of the things that prevents me from healing completely.  It reminds me of those crime shows where everybody is shocked that someone they knew committed murder and they claim there is no way that they could have been capable of that.  I look at him and I think there is no way that he could be capable of an affair.  And, yet he was capable.  Capable of having an affair and capable of lying about the affair to the nth degree.

She told me that she believed he would do it again.  I realize that doesn’t mean much coming from her.  He claims he learned a valuable lesson and would never do it again.  The question is, does his statement mean anymore than her statement?  And does the fact that I want it to mean something factor into the equation?  The truth is, I’ve wanted every single thing he’s ever said to me to mean something.  Maybe I’m still in the denial phase.  Maybe I’m just living in denial.

He gets upset when I talk like this, so I don’t say it to him.  He wants me to be fine.  I know he’s trying really hard, but I still have days of feeling down and feeling very weak.  But, I rarely let him see that.  And, I don’t know why.  I want to talk to him about how I feel.  I do.  I used to be able to talk to him about anything.  Now, I have moments where I don’t want to talk to him about anything, but especially not this.  Other times I want to talk to him about all of this.  I’m just confused about where I am.  One second I’m so good.  Later I could feel really worn down.

I think I’m looking for something so elusive that I’m afraid I will never find again.  Peace.

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11 thoughts on “If a liar tells you he loves you, is he lying?

  1. Totally relate to this post. Hugs. I read somewhere on WP that those men who can’t communicate well, should be judged by their actions. In other words, if you can’t trust what he says, try to trust in his actions. That’s what I’m doing.

    1. I feel like the majority of the time I do trust what he says. But, sometimes I let all those memories come back in of things he said that wasn’t true, but sounded so genuine. That’s what is hard. I feel like he was two different people.

  2. Hugs to you today. Trusting what he says to you is so difficult after lies and lies. I try to look at actions but even I don’t trust those anymore.

    1. I trust him most of the time. It is just very hard to accept that this man lied at all. It doesn’t seem possible. And, given that his actions said he was being honest when he was still with her, it’s hard to trust anything sometimes.

      1. I hear you and understand. My husband did the same thing. His actions never showed anything different from what had been normal for the past 5-6 years so I did not suspect anything. I trust my husband most of the time as well. I have no other choice. I do have a difficult time trusting him sometimes too. Which then seems like it is a problem with me but this behavior is a result of his actions so it just keeps going in circles at the moment.

        I often wonder if our relationship will always be like this now. Will I ever really be able to trust him ever again? I have no idea. This aspect is scary. Hugs to you.

  3. How did I miss this post!!
    Still bothers me..
    His premise is he’s changed so it’s all the better he means everything he says to me now, now he loves me.. but he loved me then too even when doesn’t matter who lies to me..
    I agree with you..
    But he says he’s not a liar now and that makes all the difference does it really?
    Not to me.
    But I wanted to believe him then, and now?
    I don’t know..
    I just don’t know and sometimes this question confuses me so much that I question what do I know about love?
    Do I really love him?
    What does look like between the both of us and are we showing our children and real examples?
    Because he proved time and time again he did not love me..
    He doesn’t do it anymore because he knows better..
    But is he still the coward I always knew because he acts better?
    Great question..
    I’m definitely going to talk to the counselor about this

    1. During discussions with my husband here the last few days we have been talking, not so much about the lying part, but just about our relationship in general. I asked him if he would marry me today and he said that he still would. I think his perceptions of what love is have really changed through this whole thing. She had him believing that because we weren’t still in the honeymoon phase that there must be something wrong with us. I think he now realizes that it isn’t new, but deep, that defines your love for another person. As far as the lying…I think we have all realized that they are “capable” of lying. It’s disappointing. And it certainly takes away an element of perfect trust. But, we have a choice to accept that and move on or get out. Do I believe him when he says I love you to me…..I don’t think it matters, to be honest. I have chosen to stay in the relationship and he has chosen to stay in the relationship. I think that in itself says there is love there. What kind of love is it? It’s the deep kind that may not be flashy and sparkly, but it’s the only kind that really matters. I say that, because any two people who go through an affair and come out of it still together have an undeniable love, although I think at first it’s masked behind a lot of pain and betrayal.

  4. Charles told me that too that he would marry me again
    I cannot say I would
    Sometimes I wonder did I ever really love him because sometimes and the want has dwindled but I have some terrible thoughts and I can get to hating him again or even hoping to watch him suffer
    If I truly loved him wouldn’t that be easier to give up?
    The hate the revenge of it all
    It’s not as bad as it used to be I look forward to processing these things with the counselor tomorrow

    1. Good luck with your counselor! Give yourself space and time. We have an agreement and there are times we do not bring it up. You have to give yourself some normal in the mix and it makes those conversations so much better. Hugs to you!

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