My husband is off this week from work and we are working on Spring Cleaning. This, of course, has brought up all the things we let go around our house because of the affair. He states that he is going to work on the pool and get it open. This was the biggest thing that was neglected at our house. We will need to get a new liner, etc. But, so many things seem to need just a little repair here and there. We spent the entire day just playing catch-up. But, we have an entire week left, so hopefully we can accomplish a lot. I had to take my boys to a college a little ways away tonight, so I planned to walk while they trained. I decided that tonight was as good as any time to start with facing my demons. So, I did the absolute unthinkable and hit “shuffle” on my iPhone. The very first song that came up was a trigger. Figures. However, I kept walking and it kept playing. The next song was not a trigger. And, so the evening went like that. Some songs were triggers and some weren’t, but I did it. I let the songs play and I kept moving forward. Wow, what a testament to my life! I feel like I took an important step. Now, to be able to do that with him in the car. We typically listen to non-trigger stations, but occasionally a song will come up and I just change the station. I’m sure he knows what I’m doing, and maybe he’s happy I’m doing it. I know he doesn’t want any triggers anymore than I do.
Forward is such a hard thing. Looking back is such a hard thing. Maybe it’s why I just live in the moment right now. It’s kind of like my steps and the music. I’m taking it one step at a time. And there’s music from my past and present playing, and who knows what music will be playing in the future. But, yesterday, for absolutely no reason at all, but certainly boding well for the future he said “I love you” out of blue. He says it often these days, but out of the blue in the middle of randomness hasn’t happened in a long time.
And I love him too.