So this song is in my head. You see, she and I had many things in common, but music was a big one. I haven’t been listening to country music, but there was a big controversy around this one by Little Big Town because some people failed to listen to the lyrics and assumed it was about lesbians. It’s actually about jealousy. I know she’s likely heard it long ago. She would never admit thinking of me when she hears the song, because that’s just how she is, but I have no problem admitting that she crosses my mind whenever I hear it. But, here’s the thing, since I am not listening to country music stations, I purposely seek the song out on youtube. I have no idea why I do that. Maybe it’s the same reason I occasionally seek out her blog. I swear sometimes I feel like a magnet being drawn to steel. Again, no problem admitting it. I just wish I knew why. I haven’t mentioned this to him. Mostly because I don’t even know what to say.
I keep telling myself that I need to face the things, like country music, that bother me. I feel like maybe if I just start listening to it again I will get over my aversion to it. Actually music is a huge deal all around. I change the station a lot when a trigger song comes on. Maybe I should just listen through and get over it already. Maybe I should do a lot of things. I realize more and more everyday how far I am from being whole again. I am worried that I will never feel whole again. I think he feels the same way about himself. He tells me he feels like he lost everything because he lost his integrity. Maybe he also needs to face the things that haunt him.
There is still a lot to be faced. And that seems overwhelming to me sometimes. I’m searching for peace, but can’t seem to find it anywhere. Maybe it’s as simple as taking a long drive with a playlist consisting of all of those trigger songs.