I had been wanting to see this movie called Wild for a while. So, we bought it and watched it on Friday night. I thought it was going to be a movie about me, about a girl's struggles with her life and her marriage. As it turns out, it was more a story about her, a woman who slept around habitually and ruined her marriage. I realized this movie was going to probably be a good portrayal of her life, and I knew that he would see this as well. I considered turning it off, but thought I would stick it out. I'm glad I kept watching. I, like anyone would, realized that she obviously has had some serious emotional issues. Promiscuity usually always implies insecurity. And since she was basically just sleeping around with whoever and whenever while married herself, I had long wondered what happened to this girl to make her like this. People cheat, but I'm not even sure you could call her actions cheating. Regardless, when people exhibit such extreme behaviors like sleeping around with many different people and faking suicides you know there's a lot of underlying garbage that the person is hiding. In her case, I would say whatever it is runs pretty deep.
Most of the people I know would think I was crazy, but I can't help feeling for her. After watching this movie, and getting a visualization of how different things can cause serious instability, even more so. I have no idea what her issues are, but I know they're there, lost somewhere in the act she puts on. And though she puts off this aura of being the confident woman, I think inside she's far from confident. I think her insecurities are likely pretty massive. And I think her answer to that is to make everyone like her. She becomes who you need. And maybe she's done this for such a long time she has forgotten who she is for real. This, in comparison, is starkly different from who I am. I typically don't need to wear, say, or do anything to achieve a level of confidence. I'm pretty happy with being me. And I am very low maintenance.
While it's no excuse, I am not beyond understanding that outlying duress can cause abnormal behavior. I find it unfortunate for her that her friendships are nearly as shallow as she is. They likely believe her interests lie in the fluff of music concerts, alcohol, and men. But, I know better. I can't claim to know her well, but I see her. I think he did as well. He had told me on a few occasions that he felt sorry for her. Of course, that isn't why he continued their relationship. I believe that was a combination of pornographic sex and needing someone to talk to that wasn't me. My husband experienced a tragedy a few years ago. And I think I was just too close to the situation. Everything is connected. There's a reason for everything.
Once again, I have found myself reading her blog. I am not proud of it, but she has been on my mind quite a bit since I wrote the open letter to her. This will sound a bit bizzarre, but I find myself worrying a bit for her. Maybe it sunk way in that she was willing to fake a suicide to get a man that she really wasn't that serious about. I don't understand.
Her life has been lived wild. Maybe she regrets it, but she probably does not. I always got the feeling that she reveled in her extra-curricular activities. And this is the main, big, huge reason he let her go. He has a conscience. He found her life intriguing, as he put it. But, he knew right from wrong, also as he put it. And all of that wild is exciting and fun when it's only happening as part of an affair and not real life. She had no responsibilities. He had many. And while she provided a great escape for all of his responsibilities in life, she could never make up for what is the reality of his life.