All those reminders

So, this weekend my husband and I and our twins took a trip for a soccer tournament in another state. I, of course, knew this was her “hometown” state, but I did not expect to be actually passing right past her hometown until the name showed up on the sign. Neither of us said anything, but just gave each other a knowing glance. I kind of was taken aback by the whole thing. I certainly never wanted the weekend to start out with that reminder. But, at the same time I found myself looking around at the environment and wondering about her. I find myself wondering about her much more lately. Maybe it's because I've exhausted myself wondering about him. Maybe I'm just exhausted and that's why my mind wanders. For about 30 seconds I imagined myself driving back there alone to just check out where she was from. And then, as the miles ticked further away she left my thoughts as easily as she had entered them.

The rest of our weekend was great. He was as attentive as ever. He was always paying attention to my needs and the needs of the other parents. The only other thought I had that involved her was my thinking how nobody there would ever believe that he had cheated. I imagine me telling them sometimes and I imagine their disbelieving gasps. That same disbelief that my dad showed. Seeing him like he was this weekend makes me wonder if I imagined the whole thing. Because this man would never cheat. He just wouldn't. But he did. I wish I could reconcile that in my mind. But, there doesn't seem to be a clear path to reconciliation in my head.

We took another trip together today. This time just the two of us. Conversation was easy. The silences were easy. All is so normal and easy these days. Even when we have conversations about everything, those conversations are comfortable. I often wonder if he has reminders of her and how he deals with them. I, of course, expect that he does still have thoughts of her. That is only normal. We have talked about it before. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. But, I think both of our thoughts are the same kind of thoughts. We are both just trying to understand. But, what happens when some unexpected trigger shows up. Those are the hardest when they involve other people who know us all but don't know what happened. I am not very good at hiding how I feel. Which brings about a whole new problem in that half the time I don't even know how I feel. It's amazing how complicated this whole aftermath is, right?

To be honest, if I thought it was possible I would love to sit face-to-face with her and just talk. Sounds impossible, doesn't it? But, that's how I feel. I have this deep need to just talk it all out. Of course, I know her well enough to know that she would never put herself in such a vulnerable position. But, when I find myself attaining that elusive peace of mind I always picture it happening after a sit-down with her. I find that much more appealing than harboring anger or a grudge for the rest of my life.

I think the triggers would then be gone too.




9 thoughts on “All those reminders

  1. She would just tell you over and over the lies she has to tell herself. OW blogs are full of them as they are the same. He stayed for the kids, or money, or duty and he never had such fun but with her blah blah blah. So you could read all the same lies online for free and save yourself the trouble. Ours is a sociopath so it feeds her to get attention. As a result I’ll never get to tell her anything. Just hope to silently watch her implode. Front row seats at the Karma Theatre with cinemascope and dolby surround sound. Hopefully with match point replays 🙂

    1. She can’t really mention my husband in her blogs except slyly. She has done that, of course, but since she can’t be direct she doesn’t say much. If I remember correctly he did tell her he was staying for the kids, but only to make the transition easier. She’s not completely stupid anyway. Surely she knows if he actually loved her he would have done what it took to be with her. She is a narcissist though, so who knows really what she’s thinking.

  2. It helped me to talk to the OW but also hurt at the same time. Questions were answered and new questions appeared. More triggers were awarded as well. I have a post about somewhere on my feed. I’m so glad to read you had a lovely weekend!

    1. I talked with her a long time ago, but not since everything ended. He has pretty much told all, but I’m sure there are more things lurking out there. I mostly want to ask her why she made this big claim to love him when she clearly was sleeping with someone else while with him.

  3. The species that is The Other Woman does not admit wrongdoing, only sometimes expresses pity that people are feeling hurt. We see the difference; they do not.

    Even with everything in front of them – proof – they gaslight themselves to believe that they did nothing wrong. To them, “feeling good” is never wrong… and the most they can admit to is that they should have, perhaps, “done things a little differently.” Even then, they think that expressing this is generous and big-hearted of them.

    They are the embodiment of selfishness and entitlement.

  4. i wish i could talk to my ex-ap’s wife. maybe my story is different from some in that our relationship was emotional, and only briefly intimate, with both of us wanting/choosing our families over each other. but i wish she could look me in the face and voice her anger. i deserve to hear it and she deserves to release it.

    and i would give anything to finally be able to tell her how terribly sorry i am for the pain, and for the time after discovery that i chose to focus on me and my hurt instead of gracefully letting go.

    i think many relationships could be more easily restored with a carefully arranged and moderated (if necessary) meeting between a betrayed wife and the woman that helped to hurt her.

  5. I’ve gotten pieces from both my husband and HER and for a long time she was trying to lie to protect him (but failing because they hadn’t spoken since 6-7 weeks before I found out so she didn’t know what he had told me). But when I asked her for the full truth, she really wrote back and told me to forgive him because it was probably very hard for him to have told me and caused me pain and that I was “lucky” that they both told me anything at all. That’s when I realized I was playing with a manipulative b*#ch and not a girl who got duped into an affair. I pointed out that neither volunteered any truth and everything I know I either found or tricked out of them (they should bottle the genius of a woman scorned – we are masterminds). It hadn’t occurred to me to feel lucky that they answered the questions I already had answered myself. The nerve of women who sleep with married men is impressive.

    1. The OW, in my case, didn’t just sleep wtih my husband. She was telling him she loved him and pressuring him to leave us. But, as we found out, she was sleeping with other people at the same time. So, why she went on with that charade became clear that it was about me, not him. I guess destoying me became the most important thing to her because she couldn’t beat me at her own game.

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