So, this weekend my husband and I and our twins took a trip for a soccer tournament in another state. I, of course, knew this was her “hometown” state, but I did not expect to be actually passing right past her hometown until the name showed up on the sign. Neither of us said anything, but just gave each other a knowing glance. I kind of was taken aback by the whole thing. I certainly never wanted the weekend to start out with that reminder. But, at the same time I found myself looking around at the environment and wondering about her. I find myself wondering about her much more lately. Maybe it's because I've exhausted myself wondering about him. Maybe I'm just exhausted and that's why my mind wanders. For about 30 seconds I imagined myself driving back there alone to just check out where she was from. And then, as the miles ticked further away she left my thoughts as easily as she had entered them.
The rest of our weekend was great. He was as attentive as ever. He was always paying attention to my needs and the needs of the other parents. The only other thought I had that involved her was my thinking how nobody there would ever believe that he had cheated. I imagine me telling them sometimes and I imagine their disbelieving gasps. That same disbelief that my dad showed. Seeing him like he was this weekend makes me wonder if I imagined the whole thing. Because this man would never cheat. He just wouldn't. But he did. I wish I could reconcile that in my mind. But, there doesn't seem to be a clear path to reconciliation in my head.
We took another trip together today. This time just the two of us. Conversation was easy. The silences were easy. All is so normal and easy these days. Even when we have conversations about everything, those conversations are comfortable. I often wonder if he has reminders of her and how he deals with them. I, of course, expect that he does still have thoughts of her. That is only normal. We have talked about it before. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. But, I think both of our thoughts are the same kind of thoughts. We are both just trying to understand. But, what happens when some unexpected trigger shows up. Those are the hardest when they involve other people who know us all but don't know what happened. I am not very good at hiding how I feel. Which brings about a whole new problem in that half the time I don't even know how I feel. It's amazing how complicated this whole aftermath is, right?
To be honest, if I thought it was possible I would love to sit face-to-face with her and just talk. Sounds impossible, doesn't it? But, that's how I feel. I have this deep need to just talk it all out. Of course, I know her well enough to know that she would never put herself in such a vulnerable position. But, when I find myself attaining that elusive peace of mind I always picture it happening after a sit-down with her. I find that much more appealing than harboring anger or a grudge for the rest of my life.
I think the triggers would then be gone too.