My Open Letter to the Other Woman

You think you know exactly what you want to say to someone who has attempted to destroy your life. You go through the conversation in your head so many times you think you have it down pat. But, when all the words swirl around in your brain, moving back and forth and the order they lie changes from second-to-second, you quickly realize that you have no idea what to say. That's where I am. At different stages in the last few years and months my feelings have yo-yoed back and forth considerably. At a different time I would have written something totally different. But, today my letter to the other woman will be what I feel now, and only briefly touch on what I felt in the raw moments in the beginning. My letter may be a little different from everyone else's because I had developed friendship at one time with the other woman, and that friendship landed bizzarrely in the middle of the whole mess. All of these things make what I want and need to say to the other woman even more complicated. But, I need to say them. I am well aware that her eyes will not see the letter, but simply getting it out of my heart, soul, and head will be freeing. I guess that's what I'm looking for, a release. I want that feeling of removing an anvil from my inner being. So here it is. My open letter to the other woman.

(Deep Breath)



Dear Bobbie,

You should know that just being able to breathe your name or write it down has taken considerable time. Actually, the mention of even a similar name did not bode well with me. I've come a long way. But, let's start at the beginning, which is really the middle.

I remember your phone call that day well. I remember almost every word, especially those that you wanted to use to hurt me deeply. You couldn't just leave it at the fact that you were still sleeping with him. Although that would have been enough. Do you remember telling me that he bought you sheets? Do you remember telling me that you “made love” on them? And with emphasis you added that it was passionate. When I asked you to consider our children you frankly stated you didn't care about that. I would say that conversation spoke to your character, or lack thereof. Maybe you thought you could make me do the leaving by telling me all of those things. Because you surely knew by this point that the likelihood of him leaving was slim. But, as you had throughout the entire affair, you underestimated me. You underestimated my resolve and my love for my family. You underestimated what instincts kick in as a mother to protect my children. And, most of all, you underestimated the deeply rooted relationship that he and I shared. Leaving him was never an option for me. I never considered it even once. I would have been miserable with him for the rest of my life to ensure that you never had any access to even one hair on my children's heads.

That day when he came home is mostly a blur. The only thing that was never a blur was the fact he had no intention of leaving. The rest is a jumbled mess of raw emotions from both him and me. However, he spilled a lot of information over in those hours between then and the following evening when he called you to end the relationship. The one thing I took away from those moments is all the times he wanted to take me to a movie, but didn't, because you would likely find out through Facebook. The other thing I took away was the fact he told me immediately that he was not leaving us. He made you wait to find out he was leaving you. I never asked why he held off telling you. You should know I did give him the privacy to call you, even though he never asked for it. You also should know I diligently tried to find a way to get to you, just as much as he did, after my panicked husband informed me that you took pills. I knew that you had emotional issues, but not that severe. After he received your text of you in a hospital bed with the message that you were being admitted for attempted suicide, he looked at me and said ” How's that for an ending ?” Maybe we both knew at that time that your issues exceeded both of us, although neither of us said anything. We simply held each other in silence, that we somehow mutually agreed on without ever talking about it. A whole lot of holding each other in silence would follow in the months to come.

He had told me long ago, in the roundabout in town, that he always knew what he would do. He touched briefly in various conversations that you were too “touchy-feely” and that he could never trust you. When I asked him at one point if he just screwed you or made love to you, without hesitation he answered that he didn't think you were capable of that. Every weekend the man struggled. Home with his family, away from you, he returned. By Tuesday, like a spider caught in a web, you somehow lured him back. It's doubtful that you ever saw his agony, that you witnessed his struggle with his conscience. You set him as your goal, a goal you didn't intend to give up on. You used sex and the perceived weaknesses in our relationship to attain your goal. I suppose what you didn't count on was the fact that he was living a double life, telling you what you wanted to hear to keep you and telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me. And though I guessed long ago that you were incapable of being faithful to anyone, I suppose he thought you had changed for him. I imagine none of us could have expected the miracle of another of your victims finding me.

But, before we get to that, let me explain the irrefutable damage that you have done to five innocent children. You don't have children. Clearly, you don't understand the repurcussions of your actions. My oldest ones will likely be the most affected. An already strained relationship between father and son driven to the edge. And a daughter, who I had recently told to find someone like her dad, forever changed. Do you have any possible idea that you have forever changed the path of every single relationship that they will ever have? Do you care? Do you feel bad? My younger ones. I wish I could say that they were unscathed by your actions, but the reality is they were not. I now have little boys who have assumed the role of protector. Will they ever be able to erase the fact that their dad hurt their mom?

This leads me back to the miracle, in the form of another victim that you forever changed their life. When I first read her comment on my post I honestly believe that my heart stopped for a moment. I had been out that night with a friend. This blog only available on my iPad. After I read the words that that you also had an affair with her husband, I broke down. Tears I couldn't stop. And when I showed him, uncontrollable tears streaming down my face, he asked why I was crying. I choked out that I was crying because I felt vindicated. VINDICATED. What I knew about you to be true finally appeared before me in the form of proof. After a few exchanges with your other victim I had all of the evidence I needed with dates and photos. Maybe you would actually feel bad about yourself if you saw my husband's face as he read through the chats with the other love of your life. Or maybe you would feel bad that my husband knew that you brought this other guy right here to our own backyard. Or maybe you might feel bad to know that he now knew you were sending nude photographs of yourself to someone other than him. But, really the worst thing, when he said he might be suicidal over the fact that it wasn't what he thought it was. Despite the fact he never intended to leave me, he did feel love for you. Maybe you think that should upset me, but it upsets me more that you misled him.

It's clear that you didn't love him. So, what exactly was your game? Why would you attempt to destroy this man and his family for absolutely nothing? Was it me? Were you trying to beat me at some sick game and didn't care who got in your way? Do you understand that you brought down a man with the highest morals, who now has to live the rest of his life knowing that he caused harm to so many people? Do you realize the suffering that you have caused? Please tell me that you realize, that you aren't so cold and calculated that this doesn't keep you awake at night?

I hear you're getting married, or maybe have already gotten married. I want to hope that you've changed. But, I've already found myself wondering how many times you've cheated on this man already. I hope that you haven't. I hope that you can stay faithful. I really do.

You know, I liked you. I really and truly did. You have one of those infectious personalities and you always made me laugh. I honestly felt like I had known you forever, like we always were. He told me once that we were so much alike in so many ways. I still have those months and months of texts on my phone where we daily became each other's peace. Days when I thought you were genuine. But, I guess you want everyone to think you're genuine. Since this has ended and even since my discovery of one of your other victims, I have had many others come forward to tell me things. Your reputation is not a good one.

I wish I could tell you that I hate you. But I don't. Hating you won't change the past and it won't improve the future. I wish you knew that you could be a really great person if you ditched your old ways and some of your old friends. Some of those friends of yours have betrayed you, but maybe you know that. You told me once that you couldn't bear to think that he would be happy with me. But, we are happy. It was pretty easy after everything came out.

Bobbie, it's a fifty-fifty shot that you will ever find this. My words likely will mean little to you even if you do. But if you hear nothing else, hear this, don't do this to anyone else ever. Because it sucks. Like it sucks really bad, for everyone. And if you ever do find it, it would be nice to know that you do feel remorse. It would be nice to hear that you somehow found your conscience and discovered that it was your biggest regret.

I'm in the process of finally coming to terms with everything. It's been unbelievably hard and stressful, for both of us. But every day is better than the last, even with a relapse here or there. I haven't listened to country music since the day you called. I just can't seem to go there. He falls asleep holding my hand and there are times I actually feel sorry for him. I still don't understand most of it. But, maybe someday I will.

I hope you find whatever it is you're so desperately searching for without hurting someone else.



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