Dealing With Me

The days and emotions are moving quickly, running together like spilled paints. It's almost like it never happened. I actually believe in his mind, it never did. I'm struggling with my own mind. I still feel like I'm reading into every minute detail. I'm not able to stop doing that. This detail irritates me. We used to be so easy, neither of us reading into anything. I haven't decided whether to tell him how I feel or not. We are both making the attempt to be open about these details. But, he honestly seems to have completely moved on. He insists on holding my hand or touching some part of me to sleep. He calls me multiple times a day. Everything is exactly like it was before. I guess my mind is the only thing that's different. I'm working on it.

Meanwhile we are looking forward to the life in front of us. It's Spring and we are talking about outdoor projects and some indoor projects. Life feels normal once again. But, my biggest worry remains and will always be the damage to my children. It's really not a speculation. Their future lives will be defined by this. Every relationship will be affected by the affair. My children went from having two very loving parents to an affair. And even though they now see two loving parents again, the damage is done. She doesn't have children, and she basically told me she didn't care about that. But him, it breaks my heart that he didn't care enough about his children. The reality that he put someone like her over them is absolutely mind-boggling. I honestly don't know how to reconcile it my head.

I have been working on my open letter to the OW. I plan to be ready to post it very soon. I decided against sending her an email of the content. So, I guess it will be an open letter to her that she will never see. And that's for the best. As I've said, it wouldn't make any difference to her anyway. I have found parts of what I want to say to her really hard. Some of it flowed freely. I guess it's indicative of everything going on in my head. I feel like I'm back and forth in my feelings about him, her, the affair, everything. It's like my mind is in overload. I know that resolving this open letter will be a huge step toward clearing my head. I'm looking forward to that clear head.

Life is a rollercoaster. Sometimes we get on the ride willingly. Sometimes we are an unwilling participant. Regardless, the ride takes us over hills and valleys and gives us thrills whether we want them or not.




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