My intended post for the day was going to be my open letter to the OW. But, I’ve decided I’m not ready. I think I know what I want to say, but I guess I still have doubts about which direction I want to go. I even considered just sending the letter directly to her, although that’s not likely. I also wonder if she’s ever even considered a letter to me. This I doubt. Why would she? In her mind she has nothing to say. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, she’s a coward when it comes to admitting wrongdoing.
My husband and I are making great strides in our relationship. We lean into each other to help each other. We both feel like tour guides for each other into some unknown journey. We know the destination, but are lost on the path. Neither of us familiar with what we should do next. We are winging it all the way. And when we are caught in those moments of uncertainty we just hold each other. It works. We are searching through the darkness but at least we know it’s each other we are looking for.
Still, for me, it’s closure and to complete the grieving process that I really need. I kind of feel stuck in this particular area. It is always there and I really need it to go away. Writing in this blog helps. Reading your blogs helps. Talking to him helps. In the end though, it’s still there. Maybe my letter to her will provide that closure for me. I haven’t decided yet if he will read that letter. I approach things about her much differently now than I did in the beginning. At first we didn’t breathe her name. We avoided the mere mention of her. But, today we pretty freely say her name aloud. We no longer tiptoe around the subject of her. If we’re talking about the affair we say her name. It may seem odd, but it diminishes her. She’s just somebody we used to know. And whether we like it or not she’s part of who we are. We may as well say her name.
My acceptance of these things is where my peace comes from. I’ve learned that the more I fight against the feelings I have the worse I feel. It’s the main reason that I do not hate her. Hating her would bring me down and that would bring my marriage down. I know that to fully heal I have to make peace with my feelings toward her. That process is slow for me, but it’s moving steady in the right direction. I am determined to not let her bring me down in any way.
A future post will be my letter to her. It will be raw and emotional, but crucial to my healing. Think about me as I take this important journey toward peace and release. As always, I appreciate all of your words that contribute to my ultimate goal of happiness.