I thought all of the hard parts were over. The finding out, the hurt, the humiliation, the visions in my head that I couldn't stop seeing all seemed like the hardest things I would have to overcome. As time moves forward though those things fade away more and more. I am no longer fighting sleepless nights and with every conversation the visions get pushed further and further away. And while it's true that I have a day here and there that the floodgates open and I'm rushed with emotions, I find it pretty easy to shut that gate when I need to shut it. I feel secure in my relationship. Things are great. It's letting it all go that I'm struggling with.
While I have cut way back on navigating to her blog, on occasion I do end up there. There's nothing new to see, so I've all but given that up. The big question is, why do I care? I don't know why. My cousin works where she works. She does not know this bit of information. We are not even friends on Facebook to keep that secret. I used to ask a lot of questions. Our last communication about her was when she contacted me to say she was getting married. I thought about it later and realized that I didn't even ask any details. Does this mean I'm letting go? I considered contacting her today to ask the details of who, what and when and then changed my mind. For all I know they eloped and they're already married. I decided not to ask. At least not now. That doesn't mean I'll never ask.
He asked me tonight if I hated her. An odd question from him. And yet it's not an odd question. We were in the midst of deep conversations. Healing conversations. I've certainly had moments where I hated her. I've had moments where I've hated him. I've thought about this a lot lately. What if I ran into her? What would I do? The answer to that question has changed drastically many times. And it changes based on whether I'm alone or with him. I have no answer to that question. But, do I hate her? The answer is no, I don't hate her. I don't believe that she can help who she is. Maybe you're all surprised by that answer. But, for a brief amount of time I had many conversations with her. She wants what everyone wants-love. I just don't think she ever had the self-esteem to stick to getting that from one person. Do I blame her? I would if I didn't know better. For whatever reason, it's who she is. And maybe all the married men kept the commitment part at arms length where she wouldn't have to ever go there. I think all this time she has been in love with the idea of love and a fear of real love. When it came to us, I have realized the relationship was much less about him, and much more about me for her. The real challenge was to win. She managed to lure him, so maybe that's a win? But, he eventually rejected her, a win for me. I'd say it's a draw. And who really wins in an affair anyway?
I feel closer than ever to letting it all go. The heavy weight of releasing all of that baggage will feel amazingly good. I guess I'm just not ready to fully let it go. But, I know that it's going to be hard to cut the cord, and know that it's all gone, a thing of the past. And that's scary to me. Release seems scary. Maybe it's losing something that has become so familiar is what frightens me. How do you ever let it go forever?