Anything But Mine

I know I haven't written in a very long time. It's much harder to contribute to this blog when things are going so well. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in an amazing dream. Last year at this time I was not in a good place. In an instant my life was changed. It was awful and terrible and the worst nightmare ever. I asked myself over and over how one bad person could possibly inflict so much damage. How was she able to manipulate my husband so easily. How could someone as smart as he is fall for it. I was obsessed with those questions. How did she get in when there were no cracks.

I've come a very long way. There are still moments of confusion about certain things, but for the most part my questions have been answered. I feel at peace. Her job was marketing. And from many conversations with my husband and friends and others who knew her, a common denominator became clear. She is excellent at marketing herself. So excellent, that she was able to manipulate everyone into loving her-into connecting with her. And, let's be honest, we all want to feel connected to someone. We want to feel like someone out there understands us. She was able to fulfill that role to many different people, including myself at one time. I remember thinking that she actually understood me. I could have talked to her about anything. And my husband fell into the same trap. And, neither he nor I figured it out until later. And, my husband figured it out much later, and in the hardest way, when he read pages of evidence of her betrayal of him. Maybe at that moment he knew what I had been going through.

I feel mostly sad for my kids who will forever have to know, that their otherwise wonderful dad, cheated them out of having it all. I wish I could erase it from their minds. I imagine he wishes that as well. But, I imagine that he wishes many things. But, we cannot wish away tragedies. We have to stand and deal with tragedies. That is the unfortunate thing, that we have to deal. And, dealing is hard. My having to deal with this affair, every facet of it, has been emotionally draining. Because just because you have a tragedy, life goes on around your tragedy. Regardless of my husband stepping out, I had a family to raise. They had to come before all of the tragedy. No matter what hurt, no matter the pain, what I felt had to wait. And that was not optional. And that was, by far, the most difficult part. Having to set all of that aside, and live normally, and know it's still there.

I ask myself these days how I feel about all of it. Remarkably, what I feel is that I'm glad it's over. Do I hate her? Sometimes I do. But, really what I hate isn't her. I honestly believe she has serious emotional issues. It would be easy to hate her, the person. That would be simple. But, Bobbie wasn't just some woman who slept with my husband. It was much more than that. While she was married to her own husband she could not find fulfillment with him. And despite her many indiscretions, she could never find that elusive happiness. She couldn't be content. And even while she was proclaiming her infinite love for my husband, and seeking a divorce from her own, my husband was not enough for her either. And she essentially slept with multiple, always married men, all at the same time, claiming to love them all. She is incapable of being faithful to anyone, not even herself.

So, what I feel is happiness for my family that we were able to escape her intact. I feel bad about what we all went through. But, we are coming out stronger. And I feel sadness for her. She will never know what it's like to have children or the sanctity of committment. She will always be a stray searching for a home that will only make her feel smothered and constrained.

But, mostly I feel peace that my husband was never anything but mine.

 

 

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