Healing or Bust

I am amazed every day how my life has changed in the last three years and in the last four months. Knowledge is power. But, I would by lying if I said everything was perfect. Well, everything is, except in my mind. And overcoming the mind is not easy by any means. My mind wants to continuously wander to how I could love him so much, and how easily he was fooled by someone who didn't really care at all. I haven't quite worked out how I'm going to get past this. But, I did work out that I would get past this.

While my husband has returned to himself in nearly every way, I have not. I remember well the days of me hoping, praying and wishing that he would return to himself, only to find the task much more difficult for me to accomplish. My sleepless nights have ended, but in their place is an almost “not caring” attitude has taken up residence. Some research has told me that I'm grieving. Finally, I'm going through the stages of grief. And even though it sucks, it feels good at the same time. I feel like it's progress for me.

Progress for him has seemed easy, although I'm sure it's not. The blow he's been dealt would not be easy to come to terms with, almost losing your family for a lie. He doesn't talk about it much. Maybe he's afraid I'll say I told you so. Or maybe he's just plain embarrassed. But, as we find our way to growing close again I'm sure it will all come out. I'm ready for that. I need that. It would be closure.

I stay in touch with the other wife and she is busy finding her own happiness. Our finding each other resulted in untold benefits and healing for all. And while a huge part of me still wants to seek out the other woman and tell her exactly what I think, I don't. It wouldn't matter. It wouldn't affect her in the least. Someone like her is incapable of feeling much of anything. I also go through periods of feeling sorry for her. It must be a miserable life if sleeping with multiple married men at once is the basis of your existence.

But, in the end, no matter what I feel for him or her doesn't matter. I can only think about me right now. I have to work through this on my own and come through it on my own. And I will.



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