Getting Past what I Can’t Get Over

I have told my husband and myself that I have forgiven him and that I'm ready to move on. Actually, I've been saying that I just want to move on for several years. And, every time it seemed like we might be moving on, something would happen to set us back. But, now something has happened to move us forward. Although, I'm sure for him the realization that, as he put it, it wasn't what he thought it was, is very unsettling. But, despite the fact that he may feel temporarily taken aback, I know that this is one time a step backwards will mean a whole lot of steps forward.

And then there's me. How is the world do you get past something you will never get over? I keep waiting for the day when it's not the first thing I think about or the last thing I think about. I keep waiting for the day that the sharp edges of it stops poking through all of the good moments. It's always there. And, to be honest, finding out that she was sleeping with others at the same time is a double-edged sword. She destroyed a good man and his family— On the other hand, it proved that she is exactly who I thought she was and had heard she was all along.

Grief is an odd being. You, honestly, never know when or where it's going to strike. And, for me, I can't seem to make it through any of the stages of grief. I think I'm still in denial. Or, maybe, I'm in denial and experiencing the anger part all at once. There are times I feel so angry, but I can't even really pinpoint why. Things may be going great, and the pain pokes through. Maybe I'm angry because moments that should be happy can never fully be so because of “this”. I wish I could selectively remove the entire memory of this from my head. I wish I could stop seeing them together. I feel like those images may never leave my head, and they really need to leave my head.

Regardless of whether or not I will ever get over this, I do have to get past it somehow. And, I suppose when I started this blog, that was my goal. I had started so many times to begin a blog about it, but I never could get started. Timing is everything. Maybe if I had started a year ago this blog would not have given me the same results. But, I started at exactly the right time and the right things fell into place for healing to begin. And I do feel like healing has begun. And the more I hear from you guys, the more thorough the healing really is. Knowing that you can relate to people who have been through the same things as yourself is liberating. You know you're not alone. And with every comment and encouraging word and shared feelings, I know I'm not alone.

Madeline Albright said, “There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.” And there's a special place in my heart for all of you women who do help.




5 thoughts on “Getting Past what I Can’t Get Over

  1. I’ve gone back to the beginning of your blog and been reading. It is so surreal for me…I’m reading words you were writing on dates that my H was still deeply involved in his affair. At the time you were writing these words, I was still blissfully unaware that my husband was a betrayer, and I, a betrayed. I did not know this world existed other than rarely, and not amongst people “like me.” Surreal for me.
    I hope, dear 2BC, that you have moved so far forward in your healing. I pray that your spirit and your soul have found peace, and ways to thrive. My grief journey began 4/12/14…and I learned that grief was not neat little buckets to “get through” and be done with, but rather a messy, crazy mixture of all the buckets dumped into one big bucket swirling…and never really ending, just learning to accept… How are you doing?

    1. Sometimes when I reread my own words I think that they must be the words of someone else, that this couldn’t possibly have happened to me and that there’s no way the man I call my husband could ever be capable of any of that. I swear sometimes it does not seem like it ever even happened. Whether that means I’ve moved far forward in my healing I don’t know. I think 90 percent of the time I feel like it is and 10 percent of the time it creeps back in. But, that’s the nature of healing. It doesn’t come wrapped in a neat package that you unwrap and then enjoy. It really is just learning to accept what’s happened and decide not to let it destroy you. And it’s also making the choice to not let someone else’s poor choices destroy you. Most of the time I’m doing very well. And part of my reason for going back in time to revisit the bad moments is to allow myself to heal completely. And I don’t want any of my readers to think that this was an easy process despite the appearance of the other wife because it wasn’t. Although that woman is my hero no doubt! It still took time and a process to go through. None of this was easy. But, today things are much easier. And hopefully my tomorrows are even better. And I hope your are as well! We are all going through this together and we will help each other see it through.

      1. I, too, find it important to my healing to go back. I started this blog in November, 2015…19 months after discovery (began). It took me that many months to get through the trauma…to feel like I could breathe…to be able to even stick my toe in the water of moving forward – REALLY – and in going back I’ve learned, I’ve healed, I’ve seen…and grown SO MUCH because of this incredible community of sister-friends/fellow-betrayeds. It isn’t easy…and it isn’t ever the same for any of us…so I’m grateful beyond words for each brave soul willing to put their thoughts and path to pen for all of us to gain strength. I am counting on those better tomorrows for all of us!

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