I have told my husband and myself that I have forgiven him and that I'm ready to move on. Actually, I've been saying that I just want to move on for several years. And, every time it seemed like we might be moving on, something would happen to set us back. But, now something has happened to move us forward. Although, I'm sure for him the realization that, as he put it, it wasn't what he thought it was, is very unsettling. But, despite the fact that he may feel temporarily taken aback, I know that this is one time a step backwards will mean a whole lot of steps forward.
And then there's me. How is the world do you get past something you will never get over? I keep waiting for the day when it's not the first thing I think about or the last thing I think about. I keep waiting for the day that the sharp edges of it stops poking through all of the good moments. It's always there. And, to be honest, finding out that she was sleeping with others at the same time is a double-edged sword. She destroyed a good man and his family—and.it.was.for.nothing. On the other hand, it proved that she is exactly who I thought she was and had heard she was all along.
Grief is an odd being. You, honestly, never know when or where it's going to strike. And, for me, I can't seem to make it through any of the stages of grief. I think I'm still in denial. Or, maybe, I'm in denial and experiencing the anger part all at once. There are times I feel so angry, but I can't even really pinpoint why. Things may be going great, and the pain pokes through. Maybe I'm angry because moments that should be happy can never fully be so because of “this”. I wish I could selectively remove the entire memory of this from my head. I wish I could stop seeing them together. I feel like those images may never leave my head, and they really need to leave my head.
Regardless of whether or not I will ever get over this, I do have to get past it somehow. And, I suppose when I started this blog, that was my goal. I had started so many times to begin a blog about it, but I never could get started. Timing is everything. Maybe if I had started a year ago this blog would not have given me the same results. But, I started at exactly the right time and the right things fell into place for healing to begin. And I do feel like healing has begun. And the more I hear from you guys, the more thorough the healing really is. Knowing that you can relate to people who have been through the same things as yourself is liberating. You know you're not alone. And with every comment and encouraging word and shared feelings, I know I'm not alone.
Madeline Albright said, “There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.” And there's a special place in my heart for all of you women who do help.