Things That Exhaust Me

1. Always wondering if they have any contact-I am tired of checking out his location and wondering if he's talking to her on the phone or texting her. I never wondered where he was before this, and I never would have cared who he talked to or texted, male or female.

2. Resisting the urge to look at his phone – I really hate this part. Do I just openly look? Do I look when he's not looking? Seriously, I don't want to look at all. Why am I spending my forties spying on my husband of 21 years??

3. Sleepless nights-Sleep eludes me big time. I feel tired, but the second my head hits the pillow my mind is replaying conversations and events in my head like clockwork.

4. Constantly trying to read something in every single word he says-Did he say that with deceit? Did he actually seem like himself there? Did he mean to look at me like that when he said it? Does he seem annoyed? What was that edge to his speech? Or maybe it is none of the above and I am losing my mind.

5. Putting on a happy face for the kids-Acting normally when nothing is normal is the most exhausting. Your heart and mind are fighting to escape your body and you have it all scrunched in like you're wearing full-body Spanx.

6. Music-Do I really need to elaborate on this one? When you've been betrayed you can make every single song out there about being betrayed.

7. TV-If I previously laughed at a sit-com or felt some sort of empathy for the lady in the Bridges of Madison County, I apologize, to myself and every other person who's ever been cheated on. I never realized how much this subject comes up on the screen until I was part of it all. Do you change the channel? I mean, what do you do when the subject is about cheating?? Ugh.

8. Sex..will I ever stop seeing him with her during sex and wondering what it was like for him? God, I hope so.

9. Waiting…waiting for him to hold my hand, waiting for him to kiss me, waiting for him to always make the first move. Before, it was equal. Now, I feel like he should be making all of the effort. Maybe I'm wrong here. I think there should be a manual for this stuff. I'm tired of waiting.

10. Hiding…hiding my feelings from him. Hiding the anger and the frustration for fear that it will make things worse. Hiding my texts about him with my sister and friends. Hiding the fact that I watch Fireproof nearly every day from him. I never hid anything from him before. I really want our open and honest relationship back.

11. Not knowing what to say—he asks me what's wrong and I truly don't know what to say, I mean, I don't know, the weight of the world is what's wrong. All of the above is wrong. I'm tired and exhausted and I just want to feel at home again. Life is wrong. It's all wrong because you were selfish.

 

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7 thoughts on “Things That Exhaust Me

  1. You are me and I am you. Wow. You just listed my list and I’m exhausted, too!

    I’m exhausted at feeling…EVERYTHING. I’m hypersensitive to him, us, her, inside, outside, everything.

    I’m exhausted at not feeling like ME. I feel I am playing a part and am literally pulled in two. Old self and new self. I’m not really a fan of new because I still feel a lack of confidence and trust. I don’t feel WHOLE, yet. And I’m pissed that I’m waiting to feel WHOLE thinking he is the person that will MAKE ME WHOLE. WTF? Seriously? AHHH, I get so frustrated with myself but right now I don’t feel in control yet. But, I am working on it 😉

    Hugs, you are not alone. Many are suffering the exhaustion along with you xox

    1. One of the great things about this blog is relating to others going through the same things. I’m especially grateful to you because it was you I shared “her” blog with which led to the other wife finding me. It’s true about the exhaustion. I can think of one day in the last three years that I felt completely at peace. It’s a terrible thing that had happened to us, worse than most people imagine. Losing the trust is horrible.

      1. I am grateful to this blog and you sisters in arms! It’s helped me start my healing process with emotional support from many of you here.

        I’m glad that your sharing of Sybil’s (woman with many personalities) many blogs has helped expose her for the fraud she is!!! And, I hope it helps your husband’s healing, too. xxoo

  2. We love who we love. What each of you need now, right now is to love yourself. Stop looking for someone else to do it, it ain’t going to happen.

    The agony of it all. Each of you need to realize you are stronger than him. How, you ask. Each of you has been tempted at some point somewhere along the line of your relationship. You saw someone attractive in some way but because you are stronger you did not allow yourself to think or react by cheating.

    Life has taught me when you no longer trust another, it does not come back, if it does it takes years to rebuild. If he cheated on you he’s going to cheat on her. Let that sorry bitch have him. They are perfect for each other. Then both of them get to know how you feel.

    Why are you staying in a relationship you are no longer happy in? The time invested, is that time invested helping you now?

    It took me a lot of time to love myself. I mean truly love me for who I am and what I offer another, at 52 years old I am happy with me. I could careless about anyone else being. 30 pounds lost to stress. Headaches on a daily basis, second guessing myself. Of course everyone wants love–just that most love with condition. That is not love at all.

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