1. Always wondering if they have any contact-I am tired of checking out his location and wondering if he's talking to her on the phone or texting her. I never wondered where he was before this, and I never would have cared who he talked to or texted, male or female.
2. Resisting the urge to look at his phone – I really hate this part. Do I just openly look? Do I look when he's not looking? Seriously, I don't want to look at all. Why am I spending my forties spying on my husband of 21 years??
3. Sleepless nights-Sleep eludes me big time. I feel tired, but the second my head hits the pillow my mind is replaying conversations and events in my head like clockwork.
4. Constantly trying to read something in every single word he says-Did he say that with deceit? Did he actually seem like himself there? Did he mean to look at me like that when he said it? Does he seem annoyed? What was that edge to his speech? Or maybe it is none of the above and I am losing my mind.
5. Putting on a happy face for the kids-Acting normally when nothing is normal is the most exhausting. Your heart and mind are fighting to escape your body and you have it all scrunched in like you're wearing full-body Spanx.
6. Music-Do I really need to elaborate on this one? When you've been betrayed you can make every single song out there about being betrayed.
7. TV-If I previously laughed at a sit-com or felt some sort of empathy for the lady in the Bridges of Madison County, I apologize, to myself and every other person who's ever been cheated on. I never realized how much this subject comes up on the screen until I was part of it all. Do you change the channel? I mean, what do you do when the subject is about cheating?? Ugh.
8. Sex..will I ever stop seeing him with her during sex and wondering what it was like for him? God, I hope so.
9. Waiting…waiting for him to hold my hand, waiting for him to kiss me, waiting for him to always make the first move. Before, it was equal. Now, I feel like he should be making all of the effort. Maybe I'm wrong here. I think there should be a manual for this stuff. I'm tired of waiting.
10. Hiding…hiding my feelings from him. Hiding the anger and the frustration for fear that it will make things worse. Hiding my texts about him with my sister and friends. Hiding the fact that I watch Fireproof nearly every day from him. I never hid anything from him before. I really want our open and honest relationship back.
11. Not knowing what to say—he asks me what's wrong and I truly don't know what to say, I mean, I don't know, the weight of the world is what's wrong. All of the above is wrong. I'm tired and exhausted and I just want to feel at home again. Life is wrong. It's all wrong because you were selfish.