My husband took me to a movie on Saturday night. We have went to movies in the past few years, but usually I was the one asking. He asked this time. He had told me, the day before her suicide venture and when she gave him the last ultimatum, that he often did not do things with me or the kids because he didn't want her to find out. He often stated that he hated Facebook. Facebook was her route to us…to knowing what we were doing, specifically what he was doing. He also told me that she had really been putting the pressure on him to leave me the last few months. I remember one of her statuses being that “the time for keeping her mouth shut was quickly coming to an end”. I had recently posted about him and I and something we were doing. My Facebook statuses were her public humiliation with her friends, because everyone would know she was being taken advantage of by him. She couldn't post about him, but I could. She was the one hidden, not me. She was the secret, not good enough to be made public by him.
Sitting in a movie with my husband now is much different than it used to be. Sometimes I feel like a high school teenager, wondering if he will hold my hand. I shouldn't have to feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. What happened to my normal, blissful life? What happened to all of the “givens”, that, of course, he would hold my hand, of course we would have sex every night, of course he would call to tell me he loves me multiple times a day. Now, all of those “givens” are speculations on my part. All of those “givens” are maybes. And, to be honest, there are days I don't want any of it to happen. There are days I just want to be alone to feel my grief.
The worst part of all is that he was my best friend, my go-to person for everything. He is the person I want and need to talk to about all of this, but I can't. I think he feels the same way. Where I once felt like we were conquering the world side by side, I now feel like we are standing facing each other, and all of the conquerors are pressing up against our backs, and we don't know what to do, but to just stare at each other. And now, with our new information, we are dealing with a new demon. Both of us feeling betrayed even more than ever caught in a tidal wave of so many emotions that we both had better learn to surf very quickly.
He did hold my hand, and it felt like it used to feel. We saw the movie “Divergent”, and interesting choice for two people feeling very divergent lately.