The sky was definitely bluer this past week for me. And the grass was green again. But, it's all settling in now, the whole horrid story of betrayal and lies and deceit. I'm starting to feel numb again. Perhaps knowing that everything I thought to be true really was true is a little overwhelming for me now that it has had a chance to seep in. And what if I never get past this moment, what if I always feel like I do at this very second? What if all of the words said between us are still hanging in the air thick around me forever? What if I never close my eyes again to sleep without thinking about this? What if it never gets better?
He keeps telling me to just move on, to forget it, but forgetting it is not possible. I can't help but wonder how it is possible that he could have done this to us…to me….to our children. He doesn't seem to have any answers except that it happened….just that…it just happened. And how does someone who is so intelligent allow themselves to be duped by someone like her? Maybe that's the question I want answered more than any other one. How?
I find myself wanting to spend time alone. I find myself feeling something close to depression. I find myself unable to decide what I want. I feel completely overwhelmed and anxious. And then I remind myself not to let ME be another victim of HER.
And so I trudge on, taking care of the kids, the laundry, the house, the sports, and dinner like everything is great hidden under a giant facade of I feel lousy. And I look forward to the day when the first and last things I think of aren't “this”.