Last January, as I was happily in a conversation with my sister, and blindly thinking that all was well in my life…the unthinkable happened. First let me state that for the previous few months, although there were some ups and downs, things were going well. I was relatively certain that the affair was over and that we were good. The holidays went smoothly and we actually had a lot of fun with each other shopping for the kids and just enjoying our lives again. The kids seemed to pick up on this and were also feeling happier. LIfe was going great. I was telling my friends that it was going great. For all intents and purposes we were moving on.
I remember well the morning that everything changed. I was asleep and he woke me up to tell me he loved me. This was not odd, but usually I was awake, and usually lately I had been saying it first. But, he gently woke me by putting his hand on my shoulder and then taking my hand and said wtih intense feeling “I love you”. I remember curling back up under the covers in a state of happiness that things were improving and getting better and he was finally being himself again. I laid there and forced myself to fall back asleep instead of reviewing the past two years in my mind.
I remember that afternoon at lunch he called me as he always did. I can’t remember what we talked about, it was just daily things about the kids and upcoming basketball games and what we had on the agenda for that night. The most basic and normal things were the conversation. There was no hint of anything that was awry, it was just normal conversation.
At 1:30 I was talking to my sister on the phone, happily chatting about whatever……and someone beeped in. I pulled the phone away from my ear to see who it was. I saw her name and number staring back at me…with nothing more than a hang on to my sister, I beeped over. Her first words were that we needed to talk. I couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. I couldn’t breathe. What proceeded was her basically letting it all out. Everything that she had been holding in and keeping secret spewed forth like vomit. He had sent her flowers the day I had gotten mine, he only sent me mine because I caught him. He had bought her sheets for Christmas, to which she proudly added that they made love on them…and it was passionate. He had been at her house last Thursday. He knows the code to get into her house. He helped her move into her new house. My head spun wildly, but not wildly enough for me to manage to get out for her to think about our children. She emphatically stated that she didn’t care about that. And then she three-wayed him into our call. And there ear to ear with all of us she tried her best to get him to say anything. I reminded him that he had woken me up this morning to tell me he loved me……I told her he was telling me the same things and that he had told me that it was over. I eventually just hung up. I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what to think. He called to say he was coming home from work.
If you think you know what you would do in this situation, you’re probably wrong. But, home he came. For the first time in over a year she texted me again. I sent her six texts between him and I that were full of love and some references to love making. There was one that said he was over her and that I should let it go because he had. She sent me one from that morning that said he couldn’t give her any more and that he would always love her. But, for whatever reason and she gave him the ultimatum…me or her. I wish I could tell you the conversations between him and I over the next 24 hours, but honestly, I can’t remember. It was such a jumble of emotion and lies and obligations and love and hate and anxiety and regrets, that the words get all mixed up in my head and I can’t remember the order they ever were in. I couldn’t breathe. I’m not sure I wanted to breathe.
I gave him the privacy he requested to call her and tell her he wasn’t leaving us. After a bit of time went by I went back up to our room to find him frantically trying to call her. Apparently she had taken pills, shook the bottle into the phone, she screamed. I tried to call her as well. I tried to see if I had any of her friends’ numbers. Finally, a friend answered her phone to tell him off. At least she had somone there.
But, an hour or so later he got a text from her from a hospital room with the words that they were admitting her for attempted suicide. She actually sent a picture of herself in the bed. She apparently took the pills, but then phoned a friend. Her attempted suicide was nothing more than a ploy to get his attention, to maybe guilt him into changing his mind. She spent three days in the hospital and then was released into the custody of her brother. She took the next two weeks off of work. For someone as arrogant and prideful as her, I’m sure the real problem was trying to figure out how to face an office full of people who most likely knew the whole story.
I will say it again though, how can you hate someone who loves the person that you love? Strangely enough, I’m not sure if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have done the same thing.